Farewell 2024

How should I say goodbye to 2024 when I know that it's only the calendar that turns? A mathematical and astronomical concoction of convenience designed to ensure that the wheels kept turning and churning through the leftovers of our lives. 

The year-end reflection is always quite an adventure, as it almost often involves navigating through half-forgotten labyrinths, excavating buried doors, and prying them open, invariably causing a torrent of memories and emotions to rush out from the deepest pits from everything and from everywhere. And it's an unforgiving experience most of the time. Having to live through the agony or ecstasy, or all at once, again, once more, knowing all that remains remains forever.

One door I accidentally crashed into this time was almost 6 years old, or more, I am not sure anymore. And it reminded me of the evening when I realised how invisible I truly was to what I thought to be my silly little world back then. As I listened to peers recollecting fond memories of friendship, love, and togetherness, I witnessed my absolute absence in their memories and how oblivious my existence was. After all, in the memories of those we hold dear, it is there that we truly survive. And what happens to the one, invisible and forgotten? It's a curious old door, and now it's sealed with a sigh. Like many before. For good. 

And then I saw many other doors. In some places, I wondered, what remains at the ruin of dreams? All artfully conjured images, masterly woven stories, and meticulously crafted sequences of desires, passions and hopes. And now, where do they rest? Rejected, ignored, and lost to time. Somewhere else, there was grief, pain, doubt, anger, rage and the crippling suffering that it offers. Waiting to pull me in. Consume me with all its might. And the pull is strong, the lull is lethal. The futility of holding on. But is it worth it? Is it worth the torment? 

Nonetheless, it's always about the lessons, isn't it? It's always about finding the light at the end of that damn cliched tunnel. More than finding; I take, it's always about the search for that light. It's the desperate scavenger hunt of one who cannot find his own light. And I think that’s ok. Because we are, after all, frail little humans, and not all will have the strength to pull themselves together, all the time. Sometimes, it makes sense to reach out to the light of others. Just be careful not to snuff it out, that’s all. 

The skies that once shone bright now remain eclipsed and charred. The moonlit night has now become a distant memory destined to fade out, and the dream of the one beautiful dawn remains an impossible, reluctant dream. And at times like these, the only choice is to make peace with what is. And perhaps find the courage to resume that search for light, the light that is flickering and conditional. Occasional impressions on the canvas of one eternal darkness. 

Isn’t that what this game is in its truth? Aren’t we all clamouring for this light, or this idea of a light, that is flickering and conditional? Isn’t this very conditionality that gives meaning and life to this light? Transforming it from something that could be mundane to something exotic, profound and worth fighting for. This possibility of basking in it, or breathing it in at least once in a lifetime. Isn’t that what we all yearn for? 

Well, now I must bid adieu to this calendar year forever. Another bookmark to be buried deep in the pages of our many tales. Farewell 2024, you’ve been kind, and also you’ve tested my patience and strength to its limits. But despite all, I choose to be grateful, for the reinforced lessons, experiences, and guidance. And for the new cycle, I wish I could find the courage to love myself so that I may finally find my light, and forgive myself so that I may not end up being the moron who snuffs it out. And that’s all for the new chapter. Love and forgiveness. Courage and tenderness. Strength and kindness. 

May the force be with us all. 

-Harishna M U

01/01/2025