There is an enemy, hidden deep within us, buried in our depths, lurking in our shadows, waiting for the opportune moment to surface and strike. This enemy is more like the U-boats from the war, deadly if we are not cautious. If we don't know our way around. And to make things worse, we often mistake this enemy for ourselves, carrying it on our backs, owning it, without seeing it for what it truly is, and most often losing ourselves in the ordeal. This piece is thus about this 'intimate enemy', who lives within us, among us, hidden behind our every thought, word and action, waiting for our guards to come down. Waiting to execute its surgical strike, leaving us and those around wounded and even crippled.
Before I start, please don't be deceived by the title. This write-up is not about the 'Intimate Enemy' by Ashis Nandy concerning the psychology of colonialism. I shall write about that soon. But this here is about something much closer to our daily human experience, with far-reaching impacts and consequences than colonialism itself. The enemy I am trying to identify here is something that we all know. Yet, it remains elusive to definitions for it is ubiquitous.
To start this inquiry, I take our emotions to be the first carrier of this enemy. Every emotion that we feel, suppress or express carries its seeds. Now, don't think that this enemy is some form of hate or something that's born in the outside world. It's more like a mischievous or a certain malevolent shade of ourselves. So, how does it manifest in our emotional realm? This surfaces as a faint little voice in the background, like a pull to the opposite side. That at moments of love, this voice will tell us to be possessive, to take control of the love, or it will prick in our past wounds, sending us down the path of self-loathe, doubt and fear. And this voice will only get louder if we start paying attention to it. And then, the love we once felt will be subverted into something loathsome and pitiful. But still, we would think and convince ourselves that we deserved it and it's our fault. While our enemy here slowly withdraws until it finds the next suitable opening to resurface. The same is the case when we feel hopeful, happy, sad, or angry. This 'enemy' of ours would simply amplify the darker shades of our being, making us desperate. And if we pay attention to this other voice in our heads for long, then slowly, this voice will begin to dictate our lived realities. And that's where we most certainly do not want to be. So what's our deterrence here? I think the only pragmatic counter to this is to not feed it our attention. And when the faint voice surfaces, with its preposterous prepositions, we should try and take a deep breath, give ourselves a pat on the back, smile, and move on, experience and handle the moment at hand, because that moment is all we have.
Another lethal carrier of this enemy is the words we spill so carelessly. To quote Prof. Dumbledore's not-so-humble opinion, words are our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it. Words here create a world of their own every time it is uttered. And yet, it is these words that we so callously blast around so heartlessly, often not seeing who is on the receiving end. Every time our mind minces words to aid us in our communications, this malignant friend within us catches a piggyback ride to the surface. So that now, if we are not cautious of what comes from our mouths, this malignancy can spread to those around us, infecting them, creating chaos and disharmony, and leading to doubt, envy, jealousy, or even hate. Even if we pay attention to what we speak, this enemy attached to our words can be very persuasive. And the cost of our insolence here would always be regrets, guilt and hurt. And sometimes, the damage done by words could be so deep that the wound may never fully recover. But here again, we often fail to see the truth behind the scene and resort to either justifying ourselves or blaming ourselves beyond what is necessary. Leading to more pain and attitudinal unpleasantness in our lives, getting ourselves stuck in a vicious loop. Here again, the question arises, what can be done to prevent this, and what can be done to remedy the wounds caused by our words?. To prevent this, the only way is to be mindful when we speak and to train ourselves to be more kind to ourselves first and then to others. Because there is a child inside everyone who needs to be nurtured and tended to with love. And to remedy the wounds, there too, the only way is to offer an honest apology, own one's fault, resolving not to repeat it again. And then give time for the word here to do its magic.
This enemy here is intimate because it is a part of our own self. It is subtle in its manifestations and yet potent in its capacities. We can't ever do away with this intimate enemy of ours. But I do believe that we can learn to manage its influence upon us. Through the little steps, a thoughtful pause here, or a reflective silence there, we can try to blunt our nefarious friend's fangs before it spews its venom. And we can learn to appreciate the beauty of our perfect little weaknesses, which allows us to connect with and feel the others around us. This weakness could be a heartful expression of sorry, no matter whether we are right or wrong, our choice to forgive the other or ourselves, or our decision to give ourselves a second chance or to move on. It is these graceful weaknesses that allow us to live here. These petite 'failings' of us act as our first line of defence against the onslaught of this intimate enemy of ours... I think I'll pause here.
- Harishna
PS: Here's a prayer to remember.
I am sorry,
please forgive me,
thank you,
I love you.
