The intimate enemy

There is an enemy, hidden deep within us, buried in our depths, lurking in our shadows, waiting for the opportune moment to surface and strike. This enemy is more like the U-boats from the war, deadly if we are not cautious. If we don't know our way around. And to make things worse, we often mistake this enemy for ourselves, carrying it on our backs, owning it, without seeing it for what it truly is, and most often losing ourselves in the ordeal. This piece is thus about this 'intimate enemy', who lives within us, among us, hidden behind our every thought, word and action, waiting for our guards to come down. Waiting to execute its surgical strike, leaving us and those around wounded and even crippled. 

Before I start, please don't be deceived by the title. This write-up is not about the 'Intimate Enemy' by Ashis Nandy concerning the psychology of colonialism. I shall write about that soon. But this here is about something much closer to our daily human experience, with far-reaching impacts and consequences than colonialism itself. The enemy I am trying to identify here is something that we all know. Yet, it remains elusive to definitions for it is ubiquitous. 

To start this inquiry, I take our emotions to be the first carrier of this enemy. Every emotion that we feel, suppress or express carries its seeds. Now, don't think that this enemy is some form of hate or something that's born in the outside world. It's more like a mischievous or a certain malevolent shade of ourselves. So, how does it manifest in our emotional realm? This surfaces as a faint little voice in the background, like a pull to the opposite side. That at moments of love, this voice will tell us to be possessive, to take control of the love, or it will prick in our past wounds, sending us down the path of self-loathe, doubt and fear. And this voice will only get louder if we start paying attention to it. And then, the love we once felt will be subverted into something loathsome and pitiful. But still, we would think and convince ourselves that we deserved it and it's our fault. While our enemy here slowly withdraws until it finds the next suitable opening to resurface. The same is the case when we feel hopeful, happy, sad, or angry. This 'enemy' of ours would simply amplify the darker shades of our being, making us desperate. And if we pay attention to this other voice in our heads for long, then slowly, this voice will begin to dictate our lived realities. And that's where we most certainly do not want to be. So what's our deterrence here? I think the only pragmatic counter to this is to not feed it our attention. And when the faint voice surfaces, with its preposterous prepositions, we should try and take a deep breath, give ourselves a pat on the back, smile, and move on, experience and handle the moment at hand, because that moment is all we have.  

Another lethal carrier of this enemy is the words we spill so carelessly. To quote Prof. Dumbledore's not-so-humble opinion, words are our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it. Words here create a world of their own every time it is uttered. And yet, it is these words that we so callously blast around so heartlessly, often not seeing who is on the receiving end. Every time our mind minces words to aid us in our communications, this malignant friend within us catches a piggyback ride to the surface. So that now, if we are not cautious of what comes from our mouths, this malignancy can spread to those around us, infecting them, creating chaos and disharmony, and leading to doubt, envy, jealousy, or even hate. Even if we pay attention to what we speak, this enemy attached to our words can be very persuasive. And the cost of our insolence here would always be regrets, guilt and hurt. And sometimes, the damage done by words could be so deep that the wound may never fully recover. But here again, we often fail to see the truth behind the scene and resort to either justifying ourselves or blaming ourselves beyond what is necessary. Leading to more pain and attitudinal unpleasantness in our lives, getting ourselves stuck in a vicious loop. Here again, the question arises, what can be done to prevent this, and what can be done to remedy the wounds caused by our words?. To prevent this, the only way is to be mindful when we speak and to train ourselves to be more kind to ourselves first and then to others. Because there is a child inside everyone who needs to be nurtured and tended to with love. And to remedy the wounds, there too, the only way is to offer an honest apology, own one's fault, resolving not to repeat it again. And then give time for the word here to do its magic. 

This enemy here is intimate because it is a part of our own self. It is subtle in its manifestations and yet potent in its capacities. We can't ever do away with this intimate enemy of ours. But I do believe that we can learn to manage its influence upon us. Through the little steps, a thoughtful pause here, or a reflective silence there, we can try to blunt our nefarious friend's fangs before it spews its venom. And we can learn to appreciate the beauty of our perfect little weaknesses, which allows us to connect with and feel the others around us. This weakness could be a heartful expression of sorry, no matter whether we are right or wrong, our choice to forgive the other or ourselves, or our decision to give ourselves a second chance or to move on. It is these graceful weaknesses that allow us to live here. These petite 'failings' of us act as our first line of defence against the onslaught of this intimate enemy of ours... I think I'll pause here. 

- Harishna 

PS: Here's a prayer to remember. 

I am sorry,

please forgive me,

thank you,

I love you. 

Finding my hate

Hate.

My loathe is nowhere to be found. 

Misplaced as it always is,

Where do I find my hate?

I set out in search for it, 

and I traversed through the archives first.

I went to its dark corners,

to see if it was trapped under some parched logs of the past. 

And there I saw regrets and despair, 

with all the untold stories,

and nameless verses.

Some forgotten, some gasping, some longing.

But I did not see hate anywhere there,

and so continued the probe. 

Then I went to the court,

to see if my hate was under trial. 

There I saw the judge and the jury,

and the many witnesses. 

And there stood my truth, 

alone and bare, facing judgement. 

Still, my hate was nowhere to be seen. 

Next, I stopped by the temple.

Hoping the gods to be kind. 

As I entered, I saw a woman washing rags

near the temple pond. 

I asked her if she saw my hate.

Without raising her head, 

she said that she was busy rinsing those rags,

and asked if I could lend a hand. 

Irate, I climbed the ancient steps,

and there, I saw my hate,

sitting outside the Sanctum Sanctorum,

near to my mercy. 

Stunned, I stood there, silent.

Hate began to speak, 

"I am not the one to be sought and yet here you are..."

and it asked, "why do you seek me?"

I didn't know what to say, and I mumbled, 

"I was sad... and I was angry... 

I felt unheard and unseen... I felt alone... and my love remains unrequited... 

I didn't know anything else..." I stopped. 

Hate laughed out loud, and said, 

"Silly boy. I am not a refuge, 

nor am I your home to run into. 

I can devour you this instant, 

but I take pity on you now. 

Skedaddle, before I change my mind."

Here, mercy stepped in with a smile. 

Caressing my pale face,

she reminded me who hate is,

while making me feel who she is. 

And when I asked why I found them both

together in this temple, she said, 

"I am the warden of hate. 

I pacify him and keep him on a leash. 

But you should know,

that I derive my strength from the choices you make. 

Sometimes, when you forget me-

when the empty tries to catch you, 

hate surfaces to remind you

that I exist, as a possibility,

as an alternative, as a choice, for you to make. 

Hate is a powerful force, 

but your compassion binds him within limits. 

Always let your mercy prevail over your wrath." She stopped. 

Now, I've found my hate,

but I no longer find it necessary. 

Yet, my heart aches with the burdens

I carry,

from the archives and the courtroom,

and the market, and the many lives I came across.

"How do I cleanse myself? 

How can I remove all this weight?"

I prayed. 

And merci responded, 

"Go wash with love". 

And then showed me the way out. 

I walked out,

wondering where love is. 

I went to the pond, to wash my face,

and there was the woman, 

still rinsing and scrubbing those rags. 

Now that I've confronted hate,

I walked towards her, offering my help. 

She pointed me to the nearby stone

and gave me a few rags to start with. 

What a strange woman, I thought.

I offered my help and there's not even a glimpse of gratitude in her ways. 

Nevertheless, I began to wash the rags,

and it was then I noticed something peculiar, rather familiar. 

These rags, had my name imprinted. 

And as I looked closer, 

I saw my life embedded in its fabric. 

"Go wash with love"

these words resonated in the air.  

And here I am with love herself,

washing my rags, cleansing my heart,

without any burdens. 

Now I see love,

and together there's much cleaning left to do. 

-Harishna 

 

New Year Ruminations

Dear ones...

We are at that time of the year when we look back and look forth at the same time. Like the Roman God Janus. Looking into the end of one and the beginning of another. As our dear beloved earth completes another orbit around the sun, we find ourselves placed at the crossroads of time. And as always, we are presented with this "moment" to reflect upon the journey we have had and to choose the relative direction of the journey we are about to begin. 

A few hours back, when I slipped into memory lane and boarded the way back machine into the archives of 2021, despite being a largely sedentary year, I saw it to be quite overwhelming. Exciting and lovely in many ways, yet overwhelming in many other ways. And that's when a wise young monkey reminded me that now and then we humans need to be rewired. Yup, sometimes we need to rewire and upgrade our circuits to make sure that they are not burnt out, damaged or gone missing. So that when things get overwhelming we don't experience a short circuit. And occasions like the new year present us with this opportunity to check and recheck our connections, assess our weak points and rewire if necessary. 

Ever since the pandemic began, it has been a tough ride. We have lost many on the way, friends, family and loved ones... We were pushed to our limits quite often. Some broke down, some held their grounds till the last moment, some chose to quit while many held on, clinging on to any shard of hope they could find, or even making shards of hope in the process as small steps forth, never losing sight of the future and its possibilities even if the vision gets blurred or even dark sometimes. 

I want to tell you all that despite the darkness that we had to confront on this road (often ourselves) we have all been the reason for someone else's happiness at some point. Our action might have been the reason why someone chose not to quit, not to break apart and not to shun life. Our words, at least a random word of kindness, of concern, would have given someone reason to have faith in themselves and others. I think that's a win for us. I think this is one elemental choice that life offers us. It's very simple in its design. And when we feel overwhelmed, I think it's okay to be overwhelmed once in a while. It could be life reminding us to rewire, change the connections and move on. 

And here comes the tricky part. To choose to move on if the connection is either irreparable, faulty or even dangerous to the whole circuit. And this is where many of us get stuck every year, during this annual, almost 'ritualistic' review process. When we find ourselves unable to let go (I know it's a cliche, but letting go remains the major theme) of memories, people, moments and all. Often, despite knowing for a fact that this could be toxic to ourselves. And most of the time we hold on because of a promise made aeons back, or for vengeance or love (the worst of all reasons). And we forget to live as we carry forward these debts from yesterday to the promise of the future. And we get old by the weight of it and we die many times before our time. 

I don't write this for anyone who's reading this. Rather I write, and I keep on writing to remind myself of this. So that I might not lose sight of the life in front of me. So that even if my eyes get clouded, I'll be able to find my way back home. 

2021 was gracious in many ways for me. Joined for M.Phil, started work with an amazing team of young and vibrant minds at Indic Law, met some beautiful 'harmonious' souls, got to spend some blissfully cherished evenings, got my own bicycle, and yes, though my dearest Grandmother passed away, I know that she's part of the eternity now and is at peace... 

And I am thankful to all of you. Of the many who remembered me, of the many who chose to be kind, who showed concern, who drew me closer and held my hands, assuring that life continues. I am grateful to you, all those who came closer and all those who drifted afar (also to the people in transit... thank you). And forgive me for my wrongs. I'll try to be a better human this year. 

And my dear friends, the world is pretty much the same as it was in 2021. But let's remind and be reminded that this will pass and all we can do is to be patient, sane and resilient. To give help if possible, to seek help if needed. That's how we live. 

May this new year bring to you the love that you have always wanted. The love that you deserve. May this new year help you find the strength to disconnect from the connections that drain you. May this new year grant you the health that you need the most. May we all be given a chance to start afresh. To renew ourselves for the better.

Wishing you all a very happy new year... 

Love ❤️  

Harishna